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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604499">the screaming, heaving, fuckery of the world</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingalonelypath/pseuds/wanderingalonelypath'>wanderingalonelypath</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tumblr ficlets [10]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, i know i do, open ended kinda so you can believe it all ended fine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:42:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,376</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604499</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingalonelypath/pseuds/wanderingalonelypath</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It happened so fast, but it always does, doesn't it?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tumblr ficlets [10]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699021</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the screaming, heaving, fuckery of the world</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It happened in slow motion, and yet too fast for Simon to do anything about it.</p>
<p>It was supposed to be an easy raid. Alec told them, over and over, that it would be in-and-out, find the lair, kill the demon, get back to the Institute. It should’ve taken them a few hours at the most, then it was back home.</p>
<p>It was Simon’s fault.</p>
<p>Why did Alec even send him? He might be the so-called ‘Downworld ambassador’ but he still can’t fight. Not enough to defend himself, and certainly not enough to defend Jace. He didn’t think he’d have to. The demon was supposed to be alone. Vulnerable.</p>
<p>Instead, Simon and Jace walked into a hive of them, glinting claws and beady eyes in the darkness of the abandoned train car. Simon knew, immediately, that this was going to end badly. Still, he found a jagged piece of pipe discarded on the ground, and he fought anyway.</p>
<p>It didn’t take long for them to get separated. Simon fought viciously, harder than he ever had before. He snapped vertebrae and punctured organs, he fought dirty, he fought dammit. But Jace was still carried away from him in a tide of snarls and venom.</p>
<p>He tried to reassure himself as he dodged another set of claws. Jace has done this for years, Jace literally grew up killing demons, he knows what he’s doing. Simon still felt like someone was strangling him, despite not needing to breathe. The was a continuous chorus of wrong wrong wrong something’s wrong going through his head</p>
<p>But suddenly the demons were gone. They’d killed them all, amazingly. Jace was doubled over, gasping for breath, scratched and bleeding but breathing and Simon even caught the breathless grin Jace threw his way.</p>
<p>He remembered that grin; Jace gave him the same one two nights ago, coming home from patrol and getting a few drinks on the way back to the Institute. Simon drunk just enough to really understand the phrase liquid courage, and challenged Jace to a race, promising no super-speed. Jace was tipsy enough to agree, and off they went into the freezing night.</p>
<p>Jace pulled ahead of him for a few blocks before Simon got tired of hit; hitting a burst of speed, he tackled Jace into the new snowdrifts. Jace gave him that smile then, eyes glinting in the lamplight that made him look almost golden. They stayed like that for a touch too long, gazed at each other a bit too intensely. Simon thought something was going to happen but was too cowardly to take the chance.</p>
<p>Jace didn’t bring it up the next day.</p>
<p>But today was a new day, and Simon needed to pay attention. Jace finally caught his breath, wiping the demon guts off of his blade on a nearby corpse. Simon almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous it looked. “I can’t believe we survived that.” He said instead.</p>
<p>Jace laughed, opening his mouth the send back some witty retort. Instead, the breath came out of his mouth in a raspy gasp. His eyes met Simon’s, briefly, before falling down to his stomach. </p>
<p>The demon behind Jace snarled, ripping its claws out of his back, before lunging for his neck.</p>
<p>He didn’t even get the chance; Simon was across the space in a millisecond, hands fitting around the demon’s face and giving a sharp snap. The demon crumpled, and so did Jace.</p>
<p>Simon managed to catch him, somewhat on his way down, lowering him to rest on the dusty floor. “Jace?” His voice sounded distant to his own ears. The stain on Jace’s shirt seemed like a black hole in the darkness, growing and swallowing the grey fabric around it. Simon could smell the blood; where a stench normally wafted sweetly this burned like acid. It was a bitter and horrible scent that grounded him, brought him back to Jace.</p>
<p>Jace who was coughing, blood flecking out over his chin. Simon realized he was shaking, fingers trembling where they flitted across Jace’s torso. He realized suddenly that he had no idea what to do. He was alone with Jace, miles from any sort of hospital, and Jace was bleeding out and he didn’t know how to save him.<br/>His pocket buzzed, and he snapped into something clinical, flashing back to earlier that day. </p>
<p>“If you run into trouble-you shouldn’t, but in case one of you gets hurt-call me or Magnus.”</p>
<p>Alec had told them that after the briefing. He just assumed it was in case Simon got hurt since everyone knew Simon was accident-prone. Simon swore as he saw Jace’s eyelids flickering. “Jace! C’mon Jace, stay awake.” He called, tapping his cheeks. Glancing down, he saw a puddle of blood had formed under where Jace was lying. He ripped his jacket off, bunching it into a ball before pressing it harshly to the center of the wound. Jace groaned. “Hurting is better than dead.” Simon said, mostly to himself.</p>
<p>His hands finally stopped shaking and he ripped his phone out, smearing blood on the screen while trying to unlock it. He finally got into his contacts, pressing Call on Alec’s name.</p>
<p>“What, Simon?” Alec asked, sounding irritated. Simon’s voice sounded shaky and terrified; exactly as he was feeling as he watched Jace, noting with a mounting panic that his chest was rising slower and slower.</p>
<p>“I-It’s Jace, w-we thought we killed them all b-but one snuck up behind him and he’s not b-breathing fast enough..” Simon couldn’t form a coherent sentence. He felt the panic racing through his veins and he started breathing hard enough to make himself lightheaded.</p>
<p>“Simon, calm down. What happened?” Alec’s voice was deadly serious, all trace of irritation wiped out at the sound of Simon stuttering in panic. Simon made a fist with his hand, digging nails into his palm to focus. He leveled out his breathing.</p>
<p>“Jace got stabbed from behind. I’m putting pressure on it but he’s losing too much blood. You need to get Magnus here now.” He rushed out. Jace’s eyes fluttered closed again, chest stilling.</p>
<p>Simon dropped the phone, heedless of Alec still talking on the other side. “Jace? Jace?!” He was yelling, slapping Jace’s cheek. His eyes slid open lazily. “Jace, listen to me, you have to stay with me okay? Magnus is on his way, just please stay awake.”</p>
<p>Something warm ran down his cheek, and for a crazy moment, he actually thought it was raining. Jace lifted an arm up; it was shaking like he was freezing. “Crying.” He whispered, blinking slowly. </p>
<p>“Yeah, you asshole. I’m crying.” He laughed bitterly, wetly, almost like a sob. Jace went silent, staring at him blankly. “You…you gotta stay awake, okay? You’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay….” Maybe if he said it enough times it would be true.</p>
<p>Jace mumbled something, barely moving his mouth. “What?” Simon leaned closer. “Like the other night, in the snow.” Jace said, looking behind him. Simon turned, fixing his eyes on the glowing street lamp nearby. He turned back to see Jace looking at him, face pale and breathing softly. “Wish…” He trailed off, coughing scarlet onto his chin.</p>
<p>“Wish what?” Simon asked, sobs choking his voice. He was crying. Jace smiled at him, teeth barely showing but still glinting in the lamplight. </p>
<p>“Wish you’d kissed me. Once, before….” He fell off into a whisper, breathing raggedly. It was getting harder for him to keep his eyes open, and Simon was spiraling.</p>
<p>“You’re not. you’re not gonna…..you’re not.” He couldn’t even find the words. Die floated behind his eyes and he wanted to finish his sentence. But he didn’t want to lie. </p>
<p>Jace opened his eyes slowly, like it took all the strength in the world, and it probably did. “Still woulda been nice.” He said, something sweet and tragic in his eyes. Simon reached for him, wanting to grip him closer and dare death to take him, but he settled for resting a hand on his cheek and leaning down.</p>
<p>As he got closer, Jace’s eyes slipped close. Simon chose to believe it was the moment. </p>
<p>But his lips were cold.</p>
<p>His lips were cold, and so was Simon, and he had never felt so empty.</p>
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